He owned his stride, a strut, all attitude and self-assurance that marginalized his limp. The crookedness of his nose and the twist of an upper incisor added to a rugged charm that clung to him like a subtle cologne. And his hair, a loose, curly head of it, could never be tamed by any oil.

Imperfections, unique gambits that tugged my heartstrings hard enough I fell into that deep, immutable abyss that is love. A madness claiming me with its tantalizing assertiveness. It happened over time, that fall. A stumble so slow I did not even realize I had tripped, could not envision that his arms would be as hard and unforgiving as the concrete of the sidewalk where we’d first met.

And that seems too harsh for him. He had not meant for his body to cause me those first days of lust, nor his manner, his morals, those amusing discussions and even more enjoyable frolics we shared to transform that lust into its emotive cousin. I felt like a man trapped, unable to see beyond the desire for something that had never been mine and never would be.

It took time to heal from my foolhardiness. Time away from his ever-present grin and those daring eyes always giving me the attention I craved. I eased into a new pattern, fresh habits replacing the ones I had allowed him to invade.

Steps outside my comfort zone became larger, more like leaps into places I’d never considered until a world cut off from him was not unnatural. Unwanted, maybe, in the darkest hours when I’d lay awake imaging the way he had felt lying against my side, his head tucked upon my shoulder, his unruly hair tickling my cheek. An unwanted loneliness, though it became my norm.

I’d see him sometimes, around. The dead butterflies in my stomach would give sighs, their wings listless, but somehow coming alive for the briefest of moments. His grin never faltered, though the fakeness behind mine must have been evident to all those who saw it. I did not avoid him so much as pretend not to see him. And his charming self, never alone, would do the same most times. Or perhaps he truly did not see me. My presence in his life as fleeting and worthless as yesterday’s headline. Continue reading →