CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

IL: Yesteryears

Mr. Wexlar had a tendency to wave the eighth graders out, out and toward the rising sun of high school, like it was his business to shuffle them along, toward the next art teacher. The motion became more pronounced the closer Brendon got to promotion, like Mr. Wexlar had a habit of swatting flies from his face, except those flies might well have been early teens just about to start their most troubling years.

He’d come in with a ruddy face blotchy with bug bites, assumedly from a night out on the lake, and demand perfection up until that last bittersweet week where he became maudlin, repeating himself.

“You’ll come back now. Show me upgrades you’ve done to that portfolio. It’s a good one. Serve you well until you make another.”

“I will.” And Brendon meant it at the time, though later his mind feasted on fears that kept him from lugging new paintings back to middle school to show Mr. Wexlar.

“If you need help with college applications. Or need a recommendation. Or anything at all.” Another wave across his face at an imaginary fly. “You’ve got vision, Brendon. You’ll go far.” Continue reading →

CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

XXXXVIII: Yesteryears

Mr. Wexlar showed Brendon how to fold used cardboard and poster board into a makeshift portfolio. Was a project for the week for the entire eighth grade glass toward the end of the school year, but while Mr. Wexlar didn’t seem to care much what other kids did with theirs, he paid special attention, much of it critical, to Brendon’s work.

“You’ll want to smooth those edges. Here. Here’s a file. Get to shaping that. And make it even. Marks off if the angles are wrong. No, I don’t care if you haven’t had trig yet. You at least have your protractor, well, use it and your ruler and figure it out.”

And later, during decorating:

“You want to stand out, but not be gaudy. You want to say, ‘I’m worthy of attention’, not ‘look at me, look at me, look at me.’ See all that glitter Emma and Jasmine are using? Yeah, don’t do that.”

“I wasn’t going to use glitter.”

“Of course you weren’t. Not my point.”

“What was your point?”

“To push yourself just shy of the glitter stage. There’s a sweet spot, between too-much and not-enough. And more often than not you like to swim about in not-enough because it’s comfortable.”

“I do not,” muttered Brendon. Because yes, yes he did. Continue reading →

CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

XXXXVII: Present

“As you wish.” Orion set his glass down. “I’m too curious about people, normally a positive trait, unless one takes it to extremes and ceases to think of a person as a person and instead as a puzzle. I lack a certain amount of empathetic capability, but have taught myself to see things I can’t understand, to remember what gets me the response I want and what to do to avoid situations I dislike.”

“You sound like you’re describing a psychopath.”

Orion laughed and gave a rolling, one-shouldered shrug, his gaze like knives flicking about the room. “I have emotions. I’m just selfish and wish everyone thought as I do even knowing that’s unrealistic to the extreme. But knowing is half the battle and being in control of myself allows me to avoid much of the drama of my youth.”

“You? Having drama?” The anger hadn’t fled, but it’d banked in the easy acceptance Orion had of laying himself bare in such a simplistic, open manner. His faults on display, his complacence lacking in malicious intent.

“I assure you, the amount of drama existing around my younger years would have drown you. Especially if you’ve become less reserved, as shy persons are wont to do as they gain experiences that teach them to be less afraid of the world in general.”

“I’m not afraid of the world. I just don’t like it invading my space.”

“You’re afraid now.” Orion’s gaze turned considering. “I’m just not sure of what.”

“I’m not a puzzle,” murmured Brendon. Continue reading →

CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

XXXXVI: Yesteryears

They talked about running away. Not to the circus, but to the races, of course. To Dayton, to Nashville, to France for the Grand Prix, all the places that made sense in middle school because those places couldn’t be that far away, could they?

The talks were cathartic to Brendon for those days when life felt unfair because he’d been forced to do extra dishes or bathroom scrubbing or burgeoning yard work as the season did its slow change. He hadn’t quite been aware of Casey’s seriousness, even after that afternoon spent hidden away with Taylor L. Casey certainly didn’t talk much of it, though he got surly and muttered worse things about his father than he ever had about Tori Kel.

“Maybe we could talk to Robbie, the three of us do something like we used to. Paintball, maybe? Robbie’s got the extra guns.”

Casey’s expression about split Brendon’s head in two it was so vitriolic and cruel as he returned Brendon’s words in a mocking tone. “Robbie’s got extra guns. Of course Robbie’s got extra guns. Got extra everything. I thought you were my friend.”

“I am.”

He’d been nostalgic, thinking of the days the three of them had rode their bikes down The Big Hill, racing against age and time and color and all things grown-up. Back when he hadn’t noticed that Robbie’s bike had been newer, cleaner, more expensive. That Casey’s clung to sun-warped stickers that had originally been pink, now faded a dirty white. Continue reading →

CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

XXXXV: Yesteryears

There’d been an argument that winter between Casey and his father. The sort that started like a low buzz, obnoxious frustration simmering, straining. Turning from cold breath to hot steam, Casey just turned fourteen, but filled with so much fury and confusion he never quite knew who to turn to for what, with a father too bitter to see anything past the pile of beer tabs and broken down cardboard boxes that he’d been so sure had at least one more can left in the bottom.

Taylor L. picked Casey up at the end of the street and took him who-knew-where for an unprecedented amount of time. Long enough even Casey’s dad got worried despite being drunk off his ass and raging about that supposedly left-open window. The conversation on Brendon’s porch had gone something like this.

“Where’s that boy at?”

“Casey? Casey’s not here. I’m still doing homework.”

“Fuck. Don’t lie to me.”

Brendon took a step back. “He’s not here. Did something happen?” Continue reading →

CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

XXXXIV: Present

Though Brendon tried to bow out, Orion insisted on treating dinner in that confident way of his. Yet with each passing moment, Orion’s presence felt more like an imposition rather than a treat. The entire day more a press of weight, a guilt riding on Brendon’s shoulders and a sick sense of dread that kept him from reaching for his sketchbook.

“We’ll have to go through your sales book,” Orion said as they waited for a table. “Find the most likely to cause problems and double-check that everyone is safe.”

And if they’re not? Brendon wanted to ask. What then? Did he take the blame for the suffering, the death? Would the legal system even consider his guilt? Would they—

“This way, sirs.”

A heavily tanned girl—no more than sixteen or seventeen, with plastic nails and purple eye makeup that cast interesting shadows around her eyes—guided them into a booth and rattled off a series of daily specials that sounded decidedly unspecial.

Then she whisked away to fetch Orion a couple fingers of bourbon and Brendon a water. Just a water, he’d said. He couldn’t handle anything else. Or maybe he should drink. Drown away this inexplicable dread, tear away the filters stopping him from cursing Orion for all the doubt he’d brought.

“This whole situation is troubling. Just got off the phone with Wendy and she agrees that we need to get to the bottom of this. Not just the paintings you’ve already done, but why and what and how. Can it be replicated? Can it be militarized?” Continue reading →

CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

XXXXIII: Yesteryears

Taylor L. became a mainstay at a lot of parties that year. At the time he seemed a superhero in and of himself. A god, a devil tearing up the roads. He could do no wrong in Casey’s eyes. Could do no right in Robbie’s. Brendon tagged along but rarely, to places close enough he could run home at two in the morning and sneak into bed with his clothes smelling of smoke and his sketchbook filled of beer pong and flip cup.

Through January and February, Becks took a break from driving them around. Medical procedure that left her wrung out and sore and with her staying at their mom’s house most of the time. Left Casey alone with their dad more often than not and gave Brendon an excuse to not go to parties he didn’t rightfully enjoy except for Casey’s presence.

He wondered later if, had he gone, had put in the effort to be out there, would things have ended up different in Casey’s life? But that thought got set right years later when he ran into Becks—grocery store of all places, him heading out with a couple of bags, her about to head in.

“Nothing you did could have changed things, Bren. He was already gone, head over heels with an idea that never should have been okay. If anyone’s to blame…” And here she paused, pursed her lips and blinked, looking away for a moment. “I should never have brought him to the races as young as I did. Thing is, though, you do what makes sense at the time.” Continue reading →