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Emmi Lawrence

~ MM Fantasy Romance Writer

Emmi  Lawrence

Category Archives: M/M

Canvas Blues – XXI: Yesteryears

17 Wednesday Jun 2020

Posted by Emmi Lawrence in Contemporary, Fantasy, M/M, Serial

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adventure fantasy, Canvas Blues, Erotica, Fantasy, fantasy romance, Fiction, gay romance, LGBT, long-reads, Love, M/M, Mystery, Novel, prose, Romance, Short Fiction, Writing

CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

XXI: Yesteryears

With Aunt Laurel’s voice always a mainstay in Brendon’s mind, he drew in an obsession. Found light and shadow. Discovered distance. Foreground. Curvature and stark angles. Perspective. Always perspective.

Cartoon characters found their way into teacher hands. Anime figures into book bags. Superheroes on chalkboards and whiteboards and in the margins of his tests. Car engines on the backs of his homework.

He sold doodles for a quarter, enough of them to buy a soda most days during lunch. Boys from different grades found him at his locker to ask for their favorite actress or anime girl drawn nude. He was called to a meeting with his guidance counselor once when one of the boys accidently lost theirs in the hallway. Brendon was careful to keep at least a bikini on the figures after that.

The art teacher in middle school—a man named Mr. Wexlar—latched onto Brendon like a barnacle on a piling. Demanding, critical, stern. His face had a paunchy look, round, ruddy cheeks controlling a deep baritone, dangerous voice. His eyebrows were speckled with white, his shoulders slightly stooped from bending over children’s projects for the last four decades instead of his own. Continue reading →

Canvas Blues – XX: Present

10 Wednesday Jun 2020

Posted by Emmi Lawrence in Contemporary, Fantasy, M/M, Serial

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CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

XX: Present

Brendon spent that night curled up on his couch rather than his bed. Coffee-table books lay strewn about the room, half of them opened to inspirational photography. An astro-photographer’s nebula series hid just out of sight under the entertainment center, though its pictures did not need to be seen in order for Brendon to visualize them.

He’d always been good at crafting from memory. His eyes, like cameras, seeing from perspectives not his own.

Mr. Livesey hadn’t been the same at all: his eyes filing info away, yet ignoring angles and light and perspective. Filled with an intelligence that practically shone. His face held carefully, his expression always under control. His body relaxed, none of the tautness in his torso that plagued Brendon whenever he felt uncomfortable around others.

Brendon found himself scrambling for a sketchbook, his blanket falling away, tangling in his legs as he stretched for a set of soft pencils. But the Bs were too poor to show those gorgeous angles. Too soft, providing gentleness where there’d been a dearth, granting empathy where there’d been calculation.

He ripped out the page and started fresh, grasping harder graphite, Orion Livesey’s features growing, shaping under his palm. Those discerning eyes. That carefully held smile. Those shadows along his cheeks that spoke of more than the need to shave. Continue reading →

Canvas Blues – XIX: Yesteryears

03 Wednesday Jun 2020

Posted by Emmi Lawrence in Contemporary, Fantasy, M/M, Serial

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CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

XIX: Yesteryears

“Perspective,” Aunt Laurel said. “It’s all about perspective. And I’m not talking about where you’re standing or where you’re looking. I’m talking about who you are.”

Brendon stared at her uncomprehendingly.

Aunt Laurel shook her head, but with a grin on her face as she swept blue braids back from her ears and pinned them in place with a maroon scarf. “What do you see when you look? Where do your eyes go?”

From the kitchen, Mom laughed. “I see the crumbs from breakfast and the spills from Brendon making cinnamon sugar.”

Aunt Laurel called back, “And I see those beautiful candles you poured and have sitting on the hutch.” Then she looked at Brendon expectantly.

“I… Uh.” He looked toward the kitchen opening, though all he could see was a fraction of the fridge and the cabinets starting beyond it. The cabinets where the stain had pulled up color in the shape of an upside-down stegosaurus. “I see the magnets I use to make Mom laugh,” he said quietly.

Aunt Laurel clapped her hands once in excitement and then leaned forward conspiratorially. “Now that’s what I’m talking about. Each of us see something different, though we’re all of us looking at the same thing. So whose eyes are you going to look through when you draw your next picture?” Continue reading →

Canvas Blues – XVIII: Yesteryears

27 Wednesday May 2020

Posted by Emmi Lawrence in Contemporary, Fantasy, M/M, Serial

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CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

XVIII: Yesteryears

When Brendon bought his first canvas—cheap, came in a package of ten—he sat in front of his easel and stared at the white for an hour. He’d mix a color on his plastic palette, dip his brush, hold it aloft, then frown, consider, and clean the brush off. Chewed on the end of the handle until the red paint of the plastic flecked off into his mouth.

He had nothing to show but wasted paint when his mom came to tell him it was dinner time. Shame crept into his soul, prickly pain that poked and prodded at places he didn’t understand.

All around his room hung cars—Firebirds and Camaros and Le Mans, close-ups of engines and exercises of chassis—and superheroes—spandex and magical swords and high tech gadgets—but none of them inspired him. Not like they did Casey or Robbie.

That night, he ended up painting a vase with daffodils and tulips as a mother’s day gift. His mom liked it enough she hung it in the entranceway, right where every visitor would see it, where every knocking stranger couldn’t miss.

The tulips had been lopsided, the daffodils all facing the same direction and the vase had a mistake in perspective along the left-side’s curve. But only Brendon saw these things. The abundance of flaws, his mother called it, right before she kissed his forehead and told him that she had an abundance of flaws too and didn’t he still love her?

He did. So he made her more: a crescent moon over a hay field (hung in the dining room), the swing she’d had under an ancient sycamore growing up (her bedroom), her vanity in shades of gold and gray where she claimed magic happened, more with each passing year (propped against the very same vanity). The highchair Brendon and each of his siblings before him had used, now empty and clean, waiting for grandchildren in the back of the downstairs closet (kitchen, naturally).

Every one had an abundance of flaws. And every one was perfect.

~~~~~~~~~

Next Chapter!

Canvas Blues – XVII: Present

20 Wednesday May 2020

Posted by Emmi Lawrence in Contemporary, Fantasy, M/M, Serial

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adventure fantasy, artist, Fantasy, fantasy romance, Fiction, gay romance, LGBT, long-reads, Love, M/M, Novel, prose, Romance, Short Fiction, Writing

CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

XVII: Present

Mr. Livesey paid for lunch with a black card and a dismissive wave at Brendon’s ten. Then they walked back to Brendon’s studio, suit pants and painted-splattered jeans clashing. The shadows grew longer than normal, the cumulous clouds fat and lumpy enough to cut the heat.

Upstairs, Brendon gave Mr. Livesey a tour of his studio, murmuring shortened explanations of his display paintings as Mr. Livesey gazed on with narrowed eyes that missed nothing. Not the vase of knives on the background table in the alien ballet studio, What Pointe. Not the single opening between the glass in the Mirror of Mazes. Not the smoke-swirled backward words in the reflected ponds of Lake Country Crossing.

“I presume no one has ever been affected by these paintings.”

“Of course not.”

Mr. Livesey turned away from the last canvas and Brendon let the sheet fall back into place. “So this car painting, the one for your friend, is the only picture you know had the same effect as Erikson’s?”

“I don’t even know if it had the same effect. It probably just altered Casey’s dreams, like we thought.”

Mr. Livesey made a sound of quiet disbelief. He wandered over to the workshop side of the studio and perched himself quite comfortably on one of Brendon’s paint-splattered stools. Out of place, a man of order surrounded by chaos, Mr. Livesey still managed to seem capable of wrangling his setting. Wrangling Brendon. Continue reading →

Canvas Blues – XVI: Yesteryears

13 Wednesday May 2020

Posted by Emmi Lawrence in Contemporary, Fantasy, M/M, Serial

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CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

XVI: Yesteryears

On some afternoons, while the jays screeched in raucous cacophony, Brendon sat in Casey’s house at the kitchen table with its grooves and stains and cat hair. A game murmured on, announcer’s voice like screeching devils and the air smelling of cheap beer and cigarettes. Casey’s mother was usually at work, leaving Becky to watch them despite their father sitting out in the living room wearing a jersey over his gut.

They played marbles across the table, the rolling of them loud enough Casey’s father shouted here and there, though ended up just increasing the volume on the TV. Things were said though, every time there came a shout of, “Casey! Another!” or “Becks, get off the damn phone! It’s not nine yet!”

Nothing was ever directed at Brendon, not fully. But some of the mutterings, such as, “Damn boy better not be getting into our food. Parents should be watching him better,” made Brendon wonder whether his parents weren’t watching him well enough. A question he generally forgot to ask, but stuck with him until the day he realized that the words had been self-admonishing, though Casey’s father was unaware of the fact.

His arm late that autumn had been bandaged tight. The left one, used defensively when some beast—a dog, a wolf, a fox—had sprang for his face one night in his own kitchen. A strange smell entered Casey’s house during that time, one Brendon called “sadness” when his mother asked what he’d meant. He later found the same smell at the hospital, that too-clean, antiseptic, alcohol wipe, and coppery blood air freshener flavor.

Brendon had still been nine, birthday fast approaching and Casey’s party in the winds by a month.

Things had changed rapidly after that. A separation. A divorce. Private dating and remarriage in the case of Casey’s mother. A string of girlfriends before a final steady one in the case of Casey’s father.

It was the loss of his job, murmured Brendon’s father to his mother. The surgeries that never quite fixed things, least of all the sense of worth Casey’s father had lost. The scars on his arm, the lack of full use of his muscles, turned into a visceral reminder of why he’d become a gopher on the job, fallen from the bucket and the lead.

“Always thought it’d be an ungrounded line that zapped me out of commission,” muttered Casey’s father, too deep into a hole that had meant to be a high, baggy sans weed on the table, a couple of fruit flies crawling over empty can lips. “I never even owned a dog. Can’t believe that woman left the window open. Can’t believe.”

He’d try to make a fist with his left hand, then abandoned the task.

Casey whispered to Brendon that “that woman” meant his mother and that she swore she’d locked the house up that night and that Becks must have snuck out despite Becky promising otherwise.  Ultimately, blame games happened and no one ever quite wanted responsibility. So no one ever took it.

~~~~~~~~~

Next Chapter!

Canvas Blues – XV: Yesteryears

06 Wednesday May 2020

Posted by Emmi Lawrence in Contemporary, Fantasy, M/M, Serial

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adventure fantasy, Fantasy, fantasy romance, Fiction, gay romance, LGBT, long-reads, Love, M/M, microfiction, Mystery, Novel, prose, Romance, Short Fiction, Writing

CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

XV: Yesteryears

Third wheels, to Casey at least, had always meant a limping car, a blowout during a NASCAR race. “Drag,” he’d say. “Drag that swings you all about, like some ragdoll who shouldn’t have been on the track.” Brendon always got the impression Casey was quoting someone.

Third wheels, to Brendon, began to a look a little like himself.

Casey had this way, this all-or-nothing desperation about him. A need for speed. A crash course. And where Brendon had been that canvas Casey could tug about, Robbie was something new, something different. Someone who pushed back.

There came a few years of ping-balling, Casey’s attention caught and lost like a firefly flash as he bounced back and forth between what he wanted and what he couldn’t have.

While Brendon sketched in silent appraisal of angles and light and possibility, a neon-green ninja turtle pencil cutting sharp lines across his sketchbook to capture the dilapidated state of the Le Mans Casey sat in, Robbie put hands back on his hips and laughed.

“It’s a car, like the others. What’s so special about it?”

Casey popped his head out of the driver’s side, one hand on the crumbling leather around the wheel, the other on the glass-empty window edge. “It’s a Le Mans!” As if that should be explanation enough. His eyes wild and wide.

“It’s a broken car,” corrected Robbie.

Brendon’s pencil hesitated.

“It’s one of the most iconic cars in existence. A creation of perfection!”

“And it’s a rusted pile of trash now.”

They shot barbs back and forth until Casey yelled at Robbie to find his own car and they’d race. Robbie crawled into the driver’s seat of a truck—a useless, ugly ‘80s F150 according to Casey—and the two of them pretended to race down a straightaway

By the time Robbie declared he was pulling off the road to grab a milkshake from the Cow’s Udder shack and promptly derailed Casey’s race, Brendon had finished his sketch. It was a mishmash of a thing. Wrong. Tortured even. Some conglomeration of a sleek Le Mans in its heyday and the twisted, dilapidated state it was in today. A twist between Casey’s vision and Robbie’s.

That sketch lay for a long time. Never forgotten, but not quite understood. A quandary Brendon couldn’t explain and struggled to move beyond every time Casey ping-balled back after a fight with Robbie.

~~~~~~~~~~

Next Chapter!

Canvas Blues – XIV: Present

29 Wednesday Apr 2020

Posted by Emmi Lawrence in Contemporary, Fantasy, M/M, Serial

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adventure fantasy, Fantasy, fantasy romance, Fiction, gay romance, LGBT, long-reads, Love, M/M, Mystery, Novel, prose, Publication, Romance, Short Fiction, Writing

CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

XIV: Present

“I had a friend,” Brendon began.

Mr. Livesey sipped his stout unconcernedly, blue eyes sparkling and his manner attentive, giving Brendon the impression the man waited to pounce.

“Casey Mattingly. We grew up together. One of the first paintings I crafted on my own stretched canvas was a gift to him. A car—a Le Mans—with fire roaring out the exhaust and under the tires like he was tearing up the devil.”

There’d been no future in that picture. The road blending into the black background, sky and land a void. Casey had loved it, claimed the world was just as dark and mysterious, waiting to be discovered by anyone brave enough to floor it down the drag.

A middle-aged woman, with a flour-spattered apron and a soft-spoken voice, arrived then. She set down a panini for Brendon and a simple BLT sub for Mr. Livesey, a small complementary crab dip and crackers going between them both.

Once she had disappeared and Brendon had something other than calculating blue eyes on which to focus, he went on. “We’d thought it a bad dream he had.”

“You and this Casey?”

And Robbie. Robbie especially, a pragmatic mind to calm Casey’s hysterics and Brendon’s imagination.

Brendon nodded. “He said he found himself on a long, dark road, tarmac hot from the day.”

Beastly hot, Bren. Clawing at your skin hot. Like the devil lived underneath.

“There’d been the roaring of an engine.”

A beautiful Le Mans, popping now and then, a tiny misfire fudging up the rhythm. Exhaust stuttering like that boy in Compass who always joined our pickup basketball games during recess.

“And he saw a light. A fire.”

Like eyes at first, Bren. Burning into my soul. Maybe the devil wasn’t too fond of those things I said to my sister the day I found her with that damn teacher, whats-his-name, Mr. Tallir.

“It came toward him down the road, roaring, the light turning into a streak.”

He fell into an introspective silence that Mr. Livesey didn’t break.

Another couple, a man dressed in khakis and a button-down with a base pass tapping against his buttons, the woman in navy pumps and a cream blouse, sat down at a nearby table, breaking the silence as iron chair legs screeched against pavers. Casey would have thrown them a caustic glare. Robbie would have wondered why, given he’d have been wearing khakis and a button-down as well.

“Brendon.” Mr. Livesey’s voice had gentled, become soft, soothing. “Brendon, how many original painting have you sold over the years?”

“I don’t know.”

“Too many. The sign of a success. An artist reaching toward his prime.”

Something in Mr. Livesey’s tone made Brendon lift his eyes from the picked at label of his ale. Mr. Livesey tapped knuckles lightly against the table. Absently. His BLT only half-finished, tomato leaking out of the bread like a red light of warning.

“How many that might cause grief?”

Brendon swallowed. “I don’t know. I don’t know. I just…don’t know.”

Mr. Livesey’s hand, warm from the sun and the wrought iron, settled over Brendon’s. “Don’t you think you should find out?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Chapter!

Canvas Blues – XIII: Yesteryears

22 Wednesday Apr 2020

Posted by Emmi Lawrence in Contemporary, Fantasy, M/M, Serial

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adventure fantasy, Fantasy, fantasy romance, Fiction, Flash, gay romance, LGBT, long-reads, Love, M/M, microfiction, Mystery, Novel, prose, Romance, Short Fiction, Writing

CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

XIII: Yesteryears

They hid their bikes behind some trees and disguised them with old pine needles, though any adult who passed rolled their eyes at the meager attempt at subterfuge. Casey led them through the forest, sneakers balancing on exposed roots to avoid the lingering mud.

“It’s this graveyard. There’s a Le Mans, dead as a hooker and about as sexy too.”

“What do you know about hookers?” asked Robbie.

Casey just snorted and beckoned them faster.

Brendon had introduced them one day at the park, Casey in his cleats and shin guards, Robbie in his button-down and gelled hair. Like oil and water he’d thought of them, but they hadn’t gotten that memo and stuck together like they’d been born under a Gemini sky, Castor and Pollux.

They reached a clearing, though it was more a pit, old gravel, a clay embankment and discarded casings poking between spits of crabgrass and wild onion. A graveyard Casey called it and a graveyard it was, for rusted, gutted metal bearers of tetanus sat on unfashionable rims and dry rotted rubber all about. Sixteen cars, if they could be called cars at this point, sat scattered about, like a wood-claimed junkyard. One had a bush bursting out its trunk. Another had a birch sapling poking from its sunroof. A third sat on its side, a thick oak forcing it up, up and away.

“This is the worst kind of creepy,” said Robbie, his hands on his hips and his expression one of disgust. “I thought it’d be a real graveyard.”

“Haunted headstones,” said Casey with a scoff. Then he was off, darting around the metal buckets. “The Le Mans is this way!”

Robbie exchanged a long-suffering look with Brendon, then they followed at a slower pace, Robbie pointing out the rustling where lizards darted down from warm metal hoods. Brendon paused and gazed into the branches of a gum tree, tiny gumballs swaying in the breeze like prickly death balls.

“Did you hear Casey’s dad had an accident?” asked Robbie.

“Is he okay?”

Robbie’s expression turned pained. “Yeah.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah,” repeated Robbie, this time in a voice barely there. “Dad says Casey would have been better off.”

“Better off if what?”

Robbie shrugged. “Don’t know. Told me to mind my own business when I asked. And then he got all quiet talking to Mom. Didn’t your parents talk about it?”

If they had, which Brendon doubted, they’d done it where Brendon couldn’t hear. “No.”

“You think Casey’s going to make us come here a lot?” And Robbie looked around distastefully.

Casey called to them, his voice tight with excitement and attitude, mocking them for their slowness. They ducked around a battered truck that had once been navy blue to see Casey clambering over a chassis, brushing off last year’s dead leaves and picking out clumps of moss where a dent had formed a basin rife for puddles.

He hopped down and spread his arms wide in a glory position. “Can you imagine what this looked like back in the day?”

“What day?” muttered Robbie with a skeptical expression.

“What’d it look like?” asked Brendon, already lifting his sketchbook.

Casey sighed wistfully, nostalgia for a time before he’d been born granting him an ethereal aura. “This Le Mans has been given a place of honor among the dead.” And he stroked the rust like he could turn it to gold with a poor man’s fingers alone.

~~~~~~~~~~

Next Chapter!

Canvas Blues – XII: Yesteryears

15 Wednesday Apr 2020

Posted by Emmi Lawrence in Contemporary, Fantasy, M/M, Serial

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adventure fantasy, Fantasy, fantasy romance, Fiction, Flash, gay romance, LGBT, long-reads, Love, M/M, microfiction, Mystery, Novel, prose, Romance, Short Fiction, Writing

CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

XII: Yesteryears

For Casey’s tenth birthday, October 17th, a day that could be as cold as ice or hot as hell and rather never wavered in between for some reason, his parents threw him a little party out in their backyard. Course it was cold, jeans and long sleeves and snug jackets as they played in rainbow leaves and threw spiky gumballs at one another in an estimation of a fair fight.

Crickets the size of their fingers leapt ten feet, escaping eager little boy hands. Robbie had the best luck, repurposing a plastic party cup into a temporary terrarium. They beat to death a piñata and ate themselves sick with candy and ice cream cake. Casey invented racing games and used birthday boy powers to enforce his rules while his father laughed on and Becks reluctantly took photos for the family at their mother’s request.

“Do I have to? Casey’s such a turd.”

“Don’t say that about your brother.”

“She’s a bigger turd! Elephant sized!”

“Casey!”

They roughed each other up on the trampoline and wound arms about each other and gave cheeses and bunny ears when Becks came around with the camera. The smell of rubber, the smoke from the fire pit, the wafting of pepperoni all under the undressing trees, leaves fluttering in the gentle breeze to come and land on their shoes and socks.

Casey’s mom emailed those photos a few weeks later.

Presents consisted of video games and gift cards and tickets to a big drag race up the road (from Casey’s father of course). Brendon didn’t remember what he’d picked out from the store, but he remembered the painting he’d used as his card. A raptor, purplish-gray with orange and green feathers and talons bronze and eyes of coal. On the back he’d painted, To Casey, Happy Birthday (the ‘Y’ was squished in to fit) and From Brendon, Your Best Friend. Because best friends were different than normal friends and there was a need to distinguish them.

 The next time he went over to Casey’s house, he noticed a new photo propped on the white shelves in the kitchen. Robbie, Casey and Brendon with arms wrapped about one another and gap-toothed, real smiles on their faces. Behind the new frame sat the small painted raptor canvas, those coal eyes looking out over their heads.

~~~~~~~~~

Next Chapter!

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CANVAS BLUES
Vignettes Regarding the Artwork of Brendon Kotes

A serialized novel begun Jan 29th 2020. Here you can find links to the beginning and the most recent additions.

I: Prologue
II: Present
III: Yesteryears
IV: Yesteryears
V: Present

……….

L: Present
LI: Yesteryears
LII: Yesteryears
LIII: Present
LIV: Yesteryears

New chapters published every Wednesday!
Next up: Jul 7th 2021

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  • Canvas Blues – XCV: Present
  • Canvas Blues – XCIV: Present
  • Coffee & Conversation: How to keep your plots/stories from being repetitive?
  • Canvas Blues – XCIII: Yesteryears
  • Coffee & Conversation: How to critique someone else’s work?
  • Canvas Blues – XCII: Present

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