My confidence.

I have plenty of arguments with myself where I’m the most confident person I know. Until someone walks by and I shrink down because oh-no-they-might-have-heard-me-talking-to-myself.

I have no confidence. I code based on the people around me often, unless it’s someone I feel completely comfortable with, who has proven to be at least welcoming of who I am. It’s filters. Many, many filters.

The filters are awful. I want to be considered “unapologetically herself” and yet that’s never going to be something people say about me.

I’ve looked up information on how to do better socially and I’ve read that 1) I should smile more because it makes people feel welcome, it makes people think you’re trustworthy and worth knowing. And then I read that 2) people who smile when you meet them are fakers, they’re hiding their disregard for you behind the friendliness and those who only smile when they are truly happy are the ones to trust.

Well, fuck.

And that’s what I find all over the place, concerning even the smallest aspect of my life. So I’m left feeling like there’s nothing I can ever do to be confident because everything I do isn’t right.

Argh.

So I just have to BE confident and then it doesn’t matter if I smile or not because I AM confident.

But I have to BE confident first.

And if you’re not you have to fake it.

And in order to fake it, you have to smile.

Which brings me back round to where I started.

So the answer in how to GET confidence is just to BE confident, which is the most unhelpful advice in existence.

Excuse me while I attempt to be confident and sign my name to these words ;)

~Emmi